Web Drano: Bigger pipes are only part of the solution.
Even Internet correspondents are occasionally forced to deal with the big issues; things like life, death, love, and the imminent collapse of the Internet. When those occasions arise, I like to seek the council of Distinguished Professor of Netology Dr. W. W. Web.
When I arrived for my most recent visit, Dr. Web had just finished clearing a clogged sewer line. Given the circumstances, any discussion of life, death and love seems strangely inappropriate. Fortunately, the sewer metaphor did lend itself to the other topic on my agenda, the increasingly clogged bandwidth of the Internet. The following is a transcript of our discussion.
Net Detours: Dr. Web, my readers are concerned about the recent spate of Internet outages. Is the collapse of the Net imminent?
Dr. Web: People think the collapse of the Net will be one catastrophic event, but it won't. It will be like the collapse of a sewer line. At first you don't mind dumping several gallons of Drano down the pipe. But when the Roto-Rooter man offers you a volume discount, you know it's time to call the plumber.
Net Detours: To increase the bandwidth so to speak.
Dr. Web: Exactly. People are already dissatisfied with the performance of the Internet. As the performance deteriorates further they'll demand bigger pipes - more bandwidth. But that's only half the problem.
Net Detours: Oh, really?
Dr. Web: The bigger problem is what I call the teenage daughter syndrome.
Net Detours: Excuse me?
Dr. Web: You'd understand if you'd ever lived in a one bathroom home. Mom and Dad buy a nice house in the 'burbs with only one bathroom. Life is good - although occasionally inconvenient - until the daughter becomes a teenager and moves into the bathroom full time. The next thing you know Mom and Dad start talking to the Realtor.
Net Detours: And Internet users are the teenage daughters of the communications system?
Dr. Web: Exactly.
Net Detours: So the solution is more bathrooms and more pipes or, in the case of the Net, more phones and more phone lines?
Dr. Web: No. Girls don't just monopolize the bathroom, they use it in whole new ways. A toilet, sink and some pipes isn't enough. Girls need mirrors, lighting, electrical outlets, and high powered ventilation systems to keep levels of hairspray and perfume emissions within EPA guidelines. Just another bathroom won't solve the problem. They need a new type of bathroom designed especially for their needs.
Net Detours: If I follow you, you're saying that just expanding the existing phone system won't work, we need to find new ways to access the net.
Dr. Web: Exactly. Net access can't become universal with the existing infrastructure. Even if we expand the phone system, we'll eventually need to move on to cable modems, satellite downlinks or some other technology. When that happens the phone companies will be like an old couple sharing three bathrooms after the kids move out. They have no use for the excess capacity but they still have to make the mortgage payments. The problem is to find ways to encourage new technology and pay for it without raising access rates and slowing the growth of the Net
Net Detours: And the solution is…
Dr. Web: I'm a Netologist not an economist but I suspect that eventually the political tide will turn and the government will step in just as it did with the highway system in the fifties and the Rural Electrification Program before that. The question becomes how do we regulate something as chaotic and rapidly changing as the Net without stifling it?
Net Detours: Which sounds like a whole other topic. Unfortunately I have a deadline to meet so we'll have to stop here. Thanks for your time.
Dr. Web: No problem.
Net Detours: By the way, could I use your bathroom before I go?
Dr. Web: I'm afraid it's busy right now.
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