A clean sweep isn't easy on the Web
Dear Martha,
I read in a recent Wall Street Journal that you're looking to sweep Time Warner out of your little empire. Isn't it just like publishers to want to tell you what to do? But what really caught my eye was the fact that you're considering setting up housekeeping on the World Wide Web.
I know we don't see eye to eye on a number of subjects. The first time I heard you talking about mismatched China I thought you meant Taiwan and the mainland. And I'm still smarting from your opposition to my plan to declare the dust bunny a protected species.
Still, if anyone can make a tidy profit online it's you. So come on and join us. Just be aware that the Web isn't the upscale 'burbs you're used to. The boys - and girls - in this 'hood are likely to come at you with boxing rather than kid gloves.
Take for example your bio on Starwave. Is it really fair to tell the world that your former husband has a court order barring you from speaking to him or his family? I mean is it your fault they can't take a little constructive criticism?
And it gets worse. Are you aware that eye magazine (isn't their lack of proper capitalization simply horrid?) has a disease named for you? The symptoms of Martha Stewart Disease include braiding the grass in your front yard and making your own gelatin from calves hooves, rather than buying the powdered stuff. For some reason they consider these activities abnormal. They even offer a cure, but it's not pretty. Which seems to be the whole idea.
There's even a page for something called the Martha Stewart Militia, which is - I assume - satire. This glue gun wielding group of radical homemakers claims to be willing to "DIE trying to save this country from the twin evils of Improper Pronunciation, and Mismatched China!" Next thing you know, leaving the toilet seat up will be a capital offense.
Author's note: Unfortunately, the militia is gone -- but not forgotten.Its spirit lives on at other sites which you can find in Yahoo's Martha Stewart:Parodies directory.)
But it's not just the cruel humor I'm concerned about. I'm afraid the Web will expose you to things never dreamed of in your cozy corner of the world. Strange, unnatural things that might scar you for life, not to mention curdle your pudding.
I'm referring to White Castles. You may have heard of them back when your name was Martha Kostyra. If not, suffice it to say that they are square little sandwiches composed of equal parts onions, grease and a gray substance posing as hamburger. Believe it or not, there are two sites dedicated to this cultural icon. The best is the Unofficial White Castle Home Page from Chris Colbert. He's the only guy I know who doesn't consider the question, "What can you do with 10 White Castles and a turkey?" the beginning of a bad joke. His answer: White Castle turkey stuffing. Just make sure you remove the pickels first! The official White Castle Home Page is even less tasteful. Consider - if you have the stomach for it - Slyders in Suspense, ten Castle burgers suspended in blue Jell-o.
So you see Martha, homemaking on the Web won't be all flowered computer dust covers and appliqued keyboards. Folks out here are more likely to own Dust Busters than feather dusters. Still, if you've got a creative use for old America Online promotional disks, we're listening.
Sincerely,
James Cook