Martha's minions strike back
Dear Martha,
It's embarrassing to have to write asking for help, especially after my last letter was misinterpreted by your fans.
As you may remember, that letter described some of the Web sites lampooning you and went so far as to suggest the Internet is no place for a lady of your delicate sensibilities. I like to think it was an artful combination of quick wit, gentle sarcasm and an encyclopedic knowledge of the Web's more esoteric back roads. Apparently your fans disagreed.
If I'd left well enough alone, the whole thing would have blown over in a couple of days. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of posting the letter on my Web site, which is when things really started to get out of hand. Ten months later I'm still getting e-mail from your defenders.
At first it was pretty mild. Paul J. Ianni warned me not to underestimate you and even called the column "cute" which is, I suppose, a compliment. He also had nice things to say about you, "Martha is a determined, relentless, extremely dedicated business woman of the next century. I have [had] the pleasure of working for her for the past three years and in all candidness, I totally admire her strength of character, fortitude and vision."
It went downhill from there. Pam Graham was silly enough to ask if I was jealous. I mean come on &endash; you're blond, rich and the head of a publishing empire. Of course I'm jealous.
She continued, "Martha is welcome to the www. If you could open your mind and see how she is helping people, you would not be so negative. … if you think she could not accomplish BIGGER AND BETTER things on the web than the average BILL GATES! Shame on you!"
Tara Cornick noted that I am "obviously offended by Martha Stewart's ideas and the mediums by which she promotes them." and then admitted &endash; in words I can't print &endash; that she didn't think too highly of you at first either. She still thinks you're "shrewd and ruthless," but now she admires you for it. I have to admit she had a point about Bob Villa though. But I'll let her explain.
"And personally, I find that it's mostly men that tend to get their underwear in a knot when it comes to Martha. I guess that it bothers them that here is a successful woman making a wack of money and all for being the perfect little hostess. Take a look at Bob Villa. He's basically a male Martha Stewart (except that she's got more brains and can actually build things with her hands instead of watching other people do it)... Boy do I wish that I could get paid what he does, to stand around and watch other people doing the work!"
Finally, Rob Havens who is "sincerely not a fan" of mine pointed out that "Ignorance is no excuse!!!!!" He's right of course, but it happens to be one of my strengths. Anyway, it seems he just started browsing the Net and ran into my "letter to Martha Stewart concerning her move to the Internet. I am wondering why you seem to have such hatred toward her choice of lifestyle? You act as though you were born on the Internet and it is your purpose in life to keep anyone away from it that doesn't suit your taste. Is this your intention? Just curious!"
Honestly Martha, I don't hate you and I don't really want to keep anyone off the Net. I just want these e-mails to stop. So here's my offer. If you ever get around to creating marthastewart.com I promise to visit AND behave myself. All I ask in return is that you drop me an e-mail stating that all is forgiven. I'll forward it to your defenders and we can all put this unfortunate incident behind us.
Sincerely, your housekeeping impaired fan,
Jim Cook
P.S.
You might want to think about trying to get Miss Manners to advertise in your magazine. It looks like a few of your fans could use her help.